someone who sticks.
finally back to business.
last week was insane with training and everything… but in the end, i had such a great time with everyone. i spent most of my days with a few of the same people, and i’m glad i did, because i actually got to know them this time. i also got to see a side of someone else that i DID know, and i DIDN’T like it… but i’m glad i saw it, because i don’t need that… or him… in my life.
anyway, i’m pretty sure my kat von d halloween costume was a success. and i’m pretty sure i’m recycling it for next year… it was way too good :)
also? i did trapeze on friday? yea.
might i mention that i am not afraid of heights… i am TERRIFIED. but… i forced myself to do this because i feel like this year has been a big one for me in terms of growth and strength, and taking chances, etc etc. SO… i sucked it up and did it.
let’s talk about what actually happened though.
the ladder i had to climb up is literally just two poles shoved in the ground, with the actual step part being no bigger than the size of ONE foot. you can’t fit two feet at once on this thing, and for the record… i had to TELL myself to keep going. i was going slower and slower as i got higher cause i was ready to pee myself lol. climbing up was probably the scariest part…but please believe, it was scary as all hell lol. i try to avoid these things in life at all costs, haha.
so i get to the top and have to step over onto this tiny little hanging bench thing that’s basically the size of a damn bookshelf (seriously)… and you’re supposed to just “be okay” at this point, because you crossed the hardest part. no thank you. frankly i wasn’t feeling safe until i was back ON the ground. but hey, thats me. might i ALSO say, i’m not tall. having to step over a big drop with nothing to hold you, and having to do it with short legs… is a BITCH.
so i’m up there, with christie, my trainer.
she was perfect and exactly what i needed, because she spent the whole time telling me about how pretty the view is, and started talking to me like i was 5. haha… which again… was what i needed. she was holding me for dear life and told me to push my hips out and grab onto the bar. she was like… its ok g’head. and i looked at her like, are you fuckin serious? DO YOU HAVE ME? cause im not letting go, haha. she started laughing and was all, “you feel the pull on the back of your harness? thats me. i got you i promise i will NOT let go until you’re ready.” so i told her, “if you don’t let go when its time to go, i won’t be jumping… cause if i dont go right away, i’ll have way too much time to think about it, and at that point, you’re gonna have to throw me off, haha.” we started talking about how i was a dancer all my life, and that my “form” would probably be awesome once i was actually in the air, because the technique is natural to me… or something. which, funny thing is… it was… i looked damn good doing it cause i made sure my feet were pointed and my legs were straight just out of habit… but… i was still scared out of my mind. she counted it down and said her little “hep!” (wtf hep is i dont know but its supposed to get you to jump)… and it did not get me to jump. it got me to freeze. then like 2 seconds later i had the balls to do it and i’m bending down and she would not let go of me, so i’m like trying to jump and im telling her i’m going, ok? im going now… and she was still holding on, so i was up there even longer and im like WTF I GOTTA GO hahaha. i dont know what the hell happened there, but she finally did let go and i was off.
AND IT WAS AWESOME.
after swinging a few times, you’re supposed to flip your legs up so you can hang over the bar and upside down as you’re still swinging. the first time i tried, i stupidly did a chin up AS i was lifting my legs, AS i was swinging back and forth… so i missed the lift. we tried it again, and i started to get this massive jolt of pain in my hands… like… unbearable pain… and i was like wtf is this now? so i kept swinging, and for some reason i had this stupid theory that if i pulled myself up, it would alleviate the pain? who the hell knows. i wasn’t thinking. obviously. by the time i got down, my hands were like stop sign red… it was crazy… and i had ZERO FEELING in them, all the way up to my elbows. i guess they locked up? cause i couldn’t even open my hands, i had to have two people stretching my fingers out. i jammed one of them and had no feeling in it until yesterday, lol, but shit happens.
here’s part of the video…
moral of the story is… i did it.
anyway… i’ve been thinking a lot lately… about people… certain people… that are in my life or have been in my life romantically.
i was thinking about those situations, what they were at one point… what they are now… the new ones, the old ones… and i started to realize that i’m always the one thats passed up.
like… i’m amazing and awesome and whatever i am to someone for a specific amount of time… and then for whatever reason, its done. BUT THEY ALL… ALL OF THEM… STILL STICK AROUND IN SOME WAY. EVEN YEARS LATER.
and i dont understand it.
why am i always the one that stops their heart, and then somehow… they can just stop US… and its like that part of life never happened. but they can’t seem to let me go from their lives… but at the same time… don’t want that part anymore.
how the hell does that happen?
HI. do you forget being so consumed with me, you couldn’t go through a normal day? do you forget wanting me to be the first thing you saw every morning? or that your fingers hurt from texting me so much? or the little stuff you ALL did for me because it made you so happy to see me happy? do you remember that at one point in your life you were so head over heels that everything you did involved me in some way?
and then it’s done.
what is it about me that is so overpowering to guys, that they want every last part of me… but then they can move on to old loves, old news… not me… and be content?
i’m not making any sense right now. in my head i am. but wording this is getting difficult.
basically… its times like this that i wish i was just… average.
that i blended in with the masses.
that i had zero passion.
zero uniqueness. zero intensity, charisma, character…
it just always seems that its those people that… stick. those are the people that majority of guys, maybe not all over, but at least in my experience… seem to just want in the longrun.
but let me tell you something.
i’m not a drug. i’m not your rush of adrenaline.
i’m not that breath of fresh air that you suck the life out of so you could feel high for a few months and then peace out on.
i’m not the girl you say is everything you’ve ever wanted… if you aren’t going to want me forever.
don’t SAY that shit to me. don’t TELL me how amazing i am, or how beautiful i am, or how DIFFERENT i am, if you CANT HANDLE IT.
i’m just tired of guys subconsciously needing a rarity, or a “change”… and finding me… getting caught UP in me… and then leaving.
i’m over that. i was never ON that.
i don’t know.
i just want someone who sees the amazing parts of me and doesn’t take advantage of it.
someone who sticks…. instead of getting their high… and leaving.